I am alive!

Hello all,

I apologize for not keeping up with this as much as I should, but it’s been a pretty awful set of months... I am not sure if I mentioned it previously but my step dad was put on hospice in January, and I had been helping to take care of him until he died in July. He lived with us, or us with him, however you want to look at it... It’s stupid, because it was such a shock when he died, even though he had been on hospice for right around 7 months, it was still such a shock, and everything since then has just gotten worse really. My stress level is astronomical, it’s ridiculous because it’s not like I didn’t know what the fallout would be, it just hit at like the worse time ever, April I would ok, and September I would have been ok, but July was right in the middle of not ok...  

I feel like I am losing a part of myself, everyone keeps telling me to hold it together, it’s just 18 months, but I am not at all sure how I am going to keep myself together for that time, I have barely managed it for the last two months. People keep asking me what’s wrong or why I am in an upset mood, well when you are watching everything you have worked for, everything you have dreamed of wandering away, how can I be carefree, how can I slide that mask on, and it is a mask, it’s part of me, but not as well worn a part as people expect. Do you know how long it has been that I have not been able to hide what I feel from people, I feel so exposed, so naked. I prefer to share with those I feel comfortable with, not think I am pulling it together only to find out that everyone can tell how completed lost I really am...

Anyways, I just needed to share some of this with someone who would let me get it all out without jumping in and telling me it’s all going to be ok, without people telling me I am overreacting to feeling like I am losing pieces of myself, or that what I feel is unimportant because I obviously don’t understand my own head and emotions. As of I would still be alive if I didn’t understand them as well as I do.  So thank you for listening..

Love to you all...

Hey

Hello all,

So I am not doing as well here as I had hoped, but I am writing, even if some of it is utter nonsense. I wrote a ff story for Gundam Wing, I haven’t posted it yet, though I may do so by the end of the month, it is short, but still in need of editing. If I post online I’ll let you know.

I have also started writing down ideas and such in a notebook, inspirations if you know what I mean. I have spent so much of my time writing history papers, that I am having a hard time moving past the 3rd person required there into more of a st person narrative. I’ll let you know how that goes, but I am sure you’ll see what I mean eventually.

So I have two episodes left of Sherlock, and am also in the process of rewatching FMP! Where I have finished season 1. I am really looking forward to Invisible Victory, which in English for my hubby starts May 6, having read the novels I really loved the story and am excited o see how they handle it...

My Christmas present from my mom finally came in, it is an amazing POTC cuckoo clock, and I love it just as much as I do the Nightmare before Christmas one, next to the collection I am intending on getting the Harry Potter and Ghibli ones I have seen floating around the internets. Plus at least one traditional one, because it’s nice to know where something begins.

So we went to the murder mystery show, it was fun, not as interactive as I was hoping, I wish it was more like one of the audience members was murdered and another was the murderer, but it was enjoyable none the less, so you guys should definitely check it out if you are hanging out in Southern AZ either May 4th or June 1st. It is put on by the Fault Line Players in the wonderful and historic Gadsden Hotel in Douglas AZ.





Alright I think that probably sums up everything at the moment. I’ll write again soon, love to you all...

April

I hope you all had a great Easter! We did, the SIL came over with all the kiddos and we had a blast decorating and finding eggs, opening baskets and eating yummy food...

 But that’s not what this post is about, April is a big month this year, I turn 35, which is insane, because I don’t feel old, but I am starting to get there.  We are going to be doing some major diet changes because the hubbys health is not what it should be and I can certainly stand to lose some weight. But the part I am most excited about is that Full Metal Panic is finally raleasing a new season, it’s been like 15 yrs since Second RAID came out. And I am seriously stoked, we are gonna get a FunimationNow account and watch it every week, I would prefer to do Crunchyroll, but my TV doesn’t have an app for that, so we will deal. But it’s going to be amazing, it’s supposed to finish up the story from the light novels, which is so good... so expect some fan grilling here for the next couple of months,  because obsessions right...

Speaking of obsessions, this Friday the husband and I are going to a murder mystery ghost tour at the Gadsden Hotel https://thegadsdenhotel.com/ in Douglas, and that is going to be a blast, they are staring with a tour of the basement and third floor, including room 333 which is supposedly the most haunted room in the hotel, then we get dinner and a show that we get to help solve, and finally we are going to stay the night. Now I love the Gadsden, it’s one of those old fancy hotels that you would never expect to find in what is really a mostly empty border town, but Douglas has had a lot of money in its past, so they got it, and it is amazing, you can find pics on my AZ Ghosttowns blog, and I am sure I will be bringing more back after this. But I am excited, it’s our birthday present from my mom, (the hubbys Birthday was a couple weeks ago in March) and it will be nice just to get away...

Alright that is all I have, I hope your weather gets to where you want it, warmer in some cases, staying the same but maybe without quite so much wind here. And I will ‘see’ you all next time...

Day 30

ok, well this is the last day, thank you for coming on this journey with me...

Your highs and lows for the month.

Highs - Lots of hiking, starting some new healthier habits, decisions made about Rays schooling, more friend time, celebrating the hubbys bday.

Lows- resentment, depression, frustration. The normal, there is a lot going on, and not having the ability to say no can be hard, feeling trapped by circumstance is also difficult, what we are experiencing now is something I never wanted to put my boys through, and the choices that have been made are not ones I had considered when we started on this path. They are not the choices I would have made, and if I had realized this was the path chosen I would have made different decisions, back when I had the ability to. Now it is just dealing with what is laid out, and sometimes that is hard, but I really hate feeling the way I do towards the people I love.

Why did you start blogging and what is the origins behind your blogs name.

I don’t honestly remember why I started this blog, it’s been awhile. I know looking back that I tend to use it to vent when there is just no way else to do so, and that was not it’s purpose. Obsessions was meant to share my joy, the things that inspire, more than just the negative parts of myself. Going forward I hope to get back to that, but also to share more than just what’s fun, just to share an honest look at my life, hopefully the past 30 days have started that well, now we will continue going forward, with 2-3 posts a week, I do have a couple of other blogs I have also been neglecting, ones that need to get brushed up and brought back to life as well.

Until the next time then..l

Day 29

What are your goals for the next 30 days?

I want to start writing, not just filling in prompts, but this is good, because it got me in the habit of setting aside some time to write. I am also going to do a 30 day fitness challenge...

What are some of your fears?

Being trapped, living life in the same town without experiencing what other places have to offer. So basically, when I can’t afford to travel some I live in my greatest fear...

Day 28

Post five things that make you laugh out loud.

1. there are a handful of stories, family stories, I am sure everyone has them, that you can’t help but laugh about when you are sharing them, so those are probably my number one...
2. Tickling my boys, makes all of us laugh out loud.
3. The antics my animals get into.
4. My husband...
5. Some pop culture stuff gets me, like the spider scene in Nothing to Lose.

What are your top three favorite bands?

1. Metallica
2. The Beatles
3. Walk the Moon

Day 27

first off a warning, I am quite tipsy tonight, but I will do my best...

Conversely, Write about something that’s kickin ass right now.

My kids, I know I am not perfect, but I think I am kicking ass at the whole mom thing, my kids seem to be pretty well adjusted, they are healthy and happy, I am proud of who they are and what they do... my kids are pretty damn awesome!

Are you messy or neat?

Messy, I am such a slob, and totally unorganized, except for when I’m not, then it has to be perfect, but once it falls apart, or something gets not put away right, I go back to the messy, there doesn’t seem to be too much middle ground, and being messy is easier..l