writing

I made a mistake, last night, late, i was ready, i could see my papers in my mind, and i could have written most of them with little to no difficulty, but i was tired, exhausted even.  it had been a really long day both physically and emotionally, so i did not write, instead i went to bed where i stared at the ceiling for hours, it had to have been hours because today i am beat, tired, i feel as though i was hit by a truck, the last few days have caught up, Shawn's death, the fact that he is gone for good, and that all that he was is lost, the fact that my husband is back on nights, and i just sleep lousy without him, as well as the fact that i have been sleeping in the babies room on the guest futon, all of it have run me down today, and all of that sureness, that knowing that i could write my papers and be done with it, and rock them, it is gone too.  now i can see that i am going to be pushing my way against the tide to get them done.  having a night of inspiration like i did last night, that is a gift, they do not come often for me, and i tossed it out the window sure that i could grab it back today.  well, i can't, it is gone, possibly for good, most likely for this semester at least.  i am dreading the paper that i was most looking forward to, i know i can write good papers, but the only time i can write great papers, wondrous papers are times like last night, i should have used it to write, if nothing else to get started on my ranching paper, i know what i want to do with it, i know how it should go, i just need that magic to get it from my head to the page.  and bless m i threw that magic away, damn