It has been awhile...

Hey guys, I know I have not been on for a bit, *shrugs*  But you all know how it is, Life it can be complicated and good, or complicated and not so good.

Lately it has been a strange mixture of the two, as some of you may or may not know, I sometimes have to fight off depression, it is one of the burdens I carry, to make matters worse, it is more of the manic type the the nice easy depression.  I have wonderful mood swings, I know this, my family knows this and we work with it.  Lately no matter how much we work with it, nothing seems to be helping.  I am not happy, I am stressed and depressed, I am lost and I am questioning. 

There is so much worth living for, I know, and there is no reason for me to be this way, and yet, I am and have been for many a year.  And no, just so none of you get any strange Ideas, I am not suicidal.  Even if I were it is not an option, I believe that suicide is for selfish people, people who think only about themselves and not about others.  I am so not that person, I think if I was my life would be easier, I would not give so much of myself to others...

Have you ever wanted something so badly that it hurts, knew that you are not at the place in your life that you should be.  Hell I even know where I should be, I know what I should be doing, at least in part, and yet I have no idea how to get from here to there.

Have you ever stood somewhere and had such a sense of rightness that you knew this is where you belong, and then had to leave it, had to turn around and walk away, because no matter how right it is, there is just no way for you to be there.  It is hard, especially when you have to return to that place where you are, where you feel so out of your depth, so lost and confused.

I feel like I am wasting my life, that there is something I need to be doing and yet I cannot be doing it.  I have responsibilities, things and people I cannot just up and leave.  But damn, no matter how much I love them and no matter how much they are a part of me, there are days that I wish i could walk away, days that I know there is somewhere else I need to be somewhere else that needs me and needs me now.  the only issue is that I do not know how to bridge these things, and even if I did I do not know where the other need is, where it will lead. 

You do not, can not just wander away with others, how can I do that to my children, they are such a part of me, yet, I cannot take them with me, how do I lead them away only to find that I led them wrong.  It is all so confusing.

One main problem is that I go places and I follow my senses, I am not a stable person, if I want to go do something and I have the ability to do it, then I see no reason why I should not.  I am good at choosing what to do and then do it.  It is part of me, part of a major part of me.  It is one of the things that makes me who I am, and yet lately I have been unable to do that, I cannot go places and do things spur of the moment because it is not just me.  I think losing that ability is killing something in me, something that i cannot stand to lose. 

I don't know, there is so much I love about me.  I honestly like who I am, though I do not like how I look, but that is something I am working on.  I think it is time to get away for awhile, to go and meditate, to take some of me back for myself.  Now I just have to find the ability to do that...

Thank you, for listening, it is always good to have someone to talk to, someone who helps me think things through, even if more often than not that someone is just myself...