I am alive!

Hello all,

I apologize for not keeping up with this as much as I should, but it’s been a pretty awful set of months... I am not sure if I mentioned it previously but my step dad was put on hospice in January, and I had been helping to take care of him until he died in July. He lived with us, or us with him, however you want to look at it... It’s stupid, because it was such a shock when he died, even though he had been on hospice for right around 7 months, it was still such a shock, and everything since then has just gotten worse really. My stress level is astronomical, it’s ridiculous because it’s not like I didn’t know what the fallout would be, it just hit at like the worse time ever, April I would ok, and September I would have been ok, but July was right in the middle of not ok...  

I feel like I am losing a part of myself, everyone keeps telling me to hold it together, it’s just 18 months, but I am not at all sure how I am going to keep myself together for that time, I have barely managed it for the last two months. People keep asking me what’s wrong or why I am in an upset mood, well when you are watching everything you have worked for, everything you have dreamed of wandering away, how can I be carefree, how can I slide that mask on, and it is a mask, it’s part of me, but not as well worn a part as people expect. Do you know how long it has been that I have not been able to hide what I feel from people, I feel so exposed, so naked. I prefer to share with those I feel comfortable with, not think I am pulling it together only to find out that everyone can tell how completed lost I really am...

Anyways, I just needed to share some of this with someone who would let me get it all out without jumping in and telling me it’s all going to be ok, without people telling me I am overreacting to feeling like I am losing pieces of myself, or that what I feel is unimportant because I obviously don’t understand my own head and emotions. As of I would still be alive if I didn’t understand them as well as I do.  So thank you for listening..

Love to you all...

Hey

Hello all,

So I am not doing as well here as I had hoped, but I am writing, even if some of it is utter nonsense. I wrote a ff story for Gundam Wing, I haven’t posted it yet, though I may do so by the end of the month, it is short, but still in need of editing. If I post online I’ll let you know.

I have also started writing down ideas and such in a notebook, inspirations if you know what I mean. I have spent so much of my time writing history papers, that I am having a hard time moving past the 3rd person required there into more of a st person narrative. I’ll let you know how that goes, but I am sure you’ll see what I mean eventually.

So I have two episodes left of Sherlock, and am also in the process of rewatching FMP! Where I have finished season 1. I am really looking forward to Invisible Victory, which in English for my hubby starts May 6, having read the novels I really loved the story and am excited o see how they handle it...

My Christmas present from my mom finally came in, it is an amazing POTC cuckoo clock, and I love it just as much as I do the Nightmare before Christmas one, next to the collection I am intending on getting the Harry Potter and Ghibli ones I have seen floating around the internets. Plus at least one traditional one, because it’s nice to know where something begins.

So we went to the murder mystery show, it was fun, not as interactive as I was hoping, I wish it was more like one of the audience members was murdered and another was the murderer, but it was enjoyable none the less, so you guys should definitely check it out if you are hanging out in Southern AZ either May 4th or June 1st. It is put on by the Fault Line Players in the wonderful and historic Gadsden Hotel in Douglas AZ.





Alright I think that probably sums up everything at the moment. I’ll write again soon, love to you all...

April

I hope you all had a great Easter! We did, the SIL came over with all the kiddos and we had a blast decorating and finding eggs, opening baskets and eating yummy food...

 But that’s not what this post is about, April is a big month this year, I turn 35, which is insane, because I don’t feel old, but I am starting to get there.  We are going to be doing some major diet changes because the hubbys health is not what it should be and I can certainly stand to lose some weight. But the part I am most excited about is that Full Metal Panic is finally raleasing a new season, it’s been like 15 yrs since Second RAID came out. And I am seriously stoked, we are gonna get a FunimationNow account and watch it every week, I would prefer to do Crunchyroll, but my TV doesn’t have an app for that, so we will deal. But it’s going to be amazing, it’s supposed to finish up the story from the light novels, which is so good... so expect some fan grilling here for the next couple of months,  because obsessions right...

Speaking of obsessions, this Friday the husband and I are going to a murder mystery ghost tour at the Gadsden Hotel https://thegadsdenhotel.com/ in Douglas, and that is going to be a blast, they are staring with a tour of the basement and third floor, including room 333 which is supposedly the most haunted room in the hotel, then we get dinner and a show that we get to help solve, and finally we are going to stay the night. Now I love the Gadsden, it’s one of those old fancy hotels that you would never expect to find in what is really a mostly empty border town, but Douglas has had a lot of money in its past, so they got it, and it is amazing, you can find pics on my AZ Ghosttowns blog, and I am sure I will be bringing more back after this. But I am excited, it’s our birthday present from my mom, (the hubbys Birthday was a couple weeks ago in March) and it will be nice just to get away...

Alright that is all I have, I hope your weather gets to where you want it, warmer in some cases, staying the same but maybe without quite so much wind here. And I will ‘see’ you all next time...

Day 30

ok, well this is the last day, thank you for coming on this journey with me...

Your highs and lows for the month.

Highs - Lots of hiking, starting some new healthier habits, decisions made about Rays schooling, more friend time, celebrating the hubbys bday.

Lows- resentment, depression, frustration. The normal, there is a lot going on, and not having the ability to say no can be hard, feeling trapped by circumstance is also difficult, what we are experiencing now is something I never wanted to put my boys through, and the choices that have been made are not ones I had considered when we started on this path. They are not the choices I would have made, and if I had realized this was the path chosen I would have made different decisions, back when I had the ability to. Now it is just dealing with what is laid out, and sometimes that is hard, but I really hate feeling the way I do towards the people I love.

Why did you start blogging and what is the origins behind your blogs name.

I don’t honestly remember why I started this blog, it’s been awhile. I know looking back that I tend to use it to vent when there is just no way else to do so, and that was not it’s purpose. Obsessions was meant to share my joy, the things that inspire, more than just the negative parts of myself. Going forward I hope to get back to that, but also to share more than just what’s fun, just to share an honest look at my life, hopefully the past 30 days have started that well, now we will continue going forward, with 2-3 posts a week, I do have a couple of other blogs I have also been neglecting, ones that need to get brushed up and brought back to life as well.

Until the next time then..l

Day 29

What are your goals for the next 30 days?

I want to start writing, not just filling in prompts, but this is good, because it got me in the habit of setting aside some time to write. I am also going to do a 30 day fitness challenge...

What are some of your fears?

Being trapped, living life in the same town without experiencing what other places have to offer. So basically, when I can’t afford to travel some I live in my greatest fear...

Day 28

Post five things that make you laugh out loud.

1. there are a handful of stories, family stories, I am sure everyone has them, that you can’t help but laugh about when you are sharing them, so those are probably my number one...
2. Tickling my boys, makes all of us laugh out loud.
3. The antics my animals get into.
4. My husband...
5. Some pop culture stuff gets me, like the spider scene in Nothing to Lose.

What are your top three favorite bands?

1. Metallica
2. The Beatles
3. Walk the Moon

Day 27

first off a warning, I am quite tipsy tonight, but I will do my best...

Conversely, Write about something that’s kickin ass right now.

My kids, I know I am not perfect, but I think I am kicking ass at the whole mom thing, my kids seem to be pretty well adjusted, they are healthy and happy, I am proud of who they are and what they do... my kids are pretty damn awesome!

Are you messy or neat?

Messy, I am such a slob, and totally unorganized, except for when I’m not, then it has to be perfect, but once it falls apart, or something gets not put away right, I go back to the messy, there doesn’t seem to be too much middle ground, and being messy is easier..l

Day 26

Write about an area in your life that you’d like to improve.

i would like to improve my fitness, I am overweight, and while I am in better shape than I have been in the last, I am still not anywhere near where I should be, much less where I would like to be.

Name ten places you would like to visit.

1. Japan
2. New Zealand
3. Germany
4. France
5. Italy
6. Australia
7. Austria
8. Egypt
9. Antarctica
10. Hawaii

Day 25

Wow, almost missed this one, I have been pretty much running since I got up this morning, and was getting ready to head to bed, when bam... my blog... anyways, here we go...

Think of any word. Search it on Google images. Write something inspired by the 11th image.

This is actually more what 8 was hoping for when I decided to do something like this originally, but then I thought, let’s do something a bit more personal, I write better when it’s something I know well...

Let’s see, what word...

ADVENTURE




Wow, the view, the person, it’s mind blowing...

     Steph had always wanted to travel the world, go on one adventure to the next without any thought to the future, or to where such wandering might lead her. Unfortunately for her, there was the issue of money, her job, her family (what little there was of it) and the fact that she had never actually gone further than 50 miles away from home, and that was once for a field trip when she was in third grade. All of Steph’s friends had learned long ago that she dreamed big, studied intensely, yet was too timid to actually follow through on all the plans she had made. This was of course exasperated, by her mother whom always found out the worst possible thing about her daughters newest ‘it’ locale and made sure she knew all about it, her mother was the main reason Steph was so very timid. 

     Steph's Aunt on the other hand knew the disservice her mother was doing her, so she made a scrap book for everyone of Steph’s must travel locations, and she secreted away money for each and every one of them, she truly loved her niece and wanted to her have all that she dreamed and more. About the time Steph was 25, tragically, her mom and aunt got into a car accident, neither of them survived. Steph being the last of the family inherited both homes as well as all of their other possessions. She started with her moms house and systematically cleaned it out room by room, then she rented it out to some friends that she knew would take care of it. Next she started on her aunts house, there she found the scrapbooks tha had been so painstakingly put together for her, along with one that had a location she had never seen before. As she started to look through the books she realized that not only was there two weeks worth of itineraries for each location, there was also enough money to complete them, plus buy lots of soveniers ‘to remember’ her aunt said.

     There was just one request, to please go to the unknown location first, there was a picture at the end of that scrapbook of her aunt standing on a cliff overlooking the most beautiful view Steph had ever seen. She was quite shocked, she hadn’t known that her aunt had ever left the town, she knew for a fact her mother hadn’t. So after Steph finished cleaning out and moving into her aunts house, she went, she stood on that cliff and she was reborn. She screamed out all the pain and frustration she felt towards her mother and left with just love and forgiveness, knowing that her mother wanted only what was best for her. She thanked and yelled at her aunt for not sharing more with her before, but also for realizing the push she needed. When she came off that cliff she quit her job and traveled to every place she had ever dreamed of going as well as many that she had not run across yet, some of them she planned, some of them she would just spontaneously arrive at, no planning necessary. But she never forgot what she learned, who she was, and that one can be whoever they want to be and do whatever they want to do, sometimes they just need a little push...

Who is your favorite Disney character and why?

My favorite Disney character is Captain Jack Sparrow. I love him, he’s a rouge, but he is also a good man. I love the adventures he has gone on, the trail he has carved for himself over the sea. Plus there has always been something about pirates that dos it for me, the sense of freedom they have, I know logically that it was probably not the best life, and that many of them were killers, but there is something romantic about them none the less, and Jack just taps into that, plus he is crazy, and I’ve always been attracted to and seduced by those that are not all there...

Day 24

Write about a lesson you’ve learned the hard way.

Honesty, like any kid I have flirted with lying, it’s part of growing up, and it took a few tries to figure out that it’s just not worth it to lie...

What book are you currently reading, and what book did you just read?

I just finished reading Night and Day from Iris Johansen, my MIL and I had decided to “catch up” on the Eve Duncan series, including the spinoffs.

Currently I am reading Gundam Wing Fanfiction...

Day 23

A letter to someone, anyone.

Dear R,

First off let me say I am sorry, I miss you and I love you, just not in the same way. I didn’t know, that is no excuse for the pain I caused, but I truly did not understand. Even years later it didn’t click until we saw you that day at Walmart, you were working and as luck would have it, you were the person assigned to help us. When you turned, it was just for an instant, but I saw your face crumble, I saw the pain and after that I understood the hate. There is such a fine line between love and hate, and I truly regret pushing you over it.

After that day I vowed I would not try to get in touch, you have a wife, children, and you seemed happy, and I did not want to cause trouble, nor did I want her to hate me how some of your past girls friends did. As I said, I hadn’t understood.

Living in a small city, sometimes we can’t help but run into each other, I ignore you when I see you unless eye contact is made, then I wave or occasionally talk, but I try and let you choose how you want to do it, I try not to force myself on you, I don’t like causing you pain.

Know that you will always be one of my closest friends, my big brother, if you ever need something I will be there, if you ever get to the point you want to pick up the friendship and leave the rest of the baggage in the past, I am here. I will always be here, our relationship is probably my one regret, everything else I can accept, I made the choices that have led me here, but losing you was not done intentionally. I love you and I miss you.

H

What is one thing you are excited about?

I am both excited and terrified that next year I will be homeschooling my youngest. He has the ability to really thrive, but he is also the most stubborn child I have ever dealt with and if he decides that he is done, that is it, there is no pushing, cajoling, bribing or punishing to get him to do what he has decided against. It is going to make for an interesting time...

Day 22

Put your music on shuffle and post the first ten songs.

The only problem with doing two of these simultaneously is that occasionally there are repeats...

1. In Lonesome Dove - Garth Brooks
2. Peaceful Easy Feeling - The Eagles
3. My List - Toby Keith
4. Ghost Town - Adam Lambert
5. Your Guardian Angel - Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
6. My Sharona - The Knack
7. Life is a Highway - Rascal Flatts
8. Not Alone - A Very Potter Musical Soundtrack
9. Jouzai - Konishi Kayo & Kondoo Yukio
10. I Dreamt of Edward - Carter Burwell

What is your most prized possession and why?

This is hard, I don’t think I have just one, there are a couple I would have a hard time living without, my dads old army jacket, i wear it when I am really missing him, it’s like he’s hugging me, my husbands dog tags, a pin that was my great aunts, an old family bible. I have a few items from family that is no longer here, and while the items themselves are important, the memories they bring back pare the real treasure...

Day 21

What three lessons do you want your children to learn from you?

1. Honesty
2. Humility/Kindness
3. Self worth/confidence

List 5 words or phrases that make you laugh.

This one is really hard, like I seriously can’t think of any, I have a strange sense of humor, I’ll do my best though...

1. I’m not a ride or die chick, I have questions. Where are we riding too? Why do I have to die? Can we get food on the way?
2. Nothing is more scary than accidentally making eye contact with the guy at a mall kiosk...
3. “Why do people say ‘grow some balls?’ Balls are weak and sensitive. If you wanna be tough, grow a vagina. Those things can take a pounding.” -Betty White
4. I started my day by waking up in a pool of my own blood, is that how you would like me to end yours...
5. I’m not saying I hate you, but I catch myself fantasizing about you being attacked by honey badgers, barefoot in a desert of LEGO bricks, near a Bieber concert.

Day 20

Hey, would you look at that, we are 2/3’s of the way done...

Post about three celebrity crushes.

1. Darren Criss, his voice is just amazing, and from what you can tell from interviews and such his personality seems fun, I think he would be a good friend, his weird fits my weird. Plus he is an amazing actor and sexy as hell...

2. Alexander Skarsgard, again a good actor, again sexy as hell, I feel like I could have amazing conversations with him, to me it seems like he tries to make the world a better place.

3. Johnny Depp, I have  a thing for musically inclined actors, it would seem. I would just like to experience his world, it seems like a magical place...

Where would you like to visit or live one day.

Anywhere but here would be my go to answer. There is so much I want to see and experience, and not really much left in my little corner of the world, I would just like someplace new...

Specifics now, I would love to visit Japan, New Zealand, Germany, And so many other places, but these would be my top 3.

For living, I would like a small town, it would have a decent market and book store, maybe a small boutique, but good people, and land, someplace I wouldn’t feel trapped...

Day 19

Discuss your first love.

I had infatuations. But I actually married my first love, at that age you don’t really know what love is, you feel everything so deeply, so strongly, that sometimes it is hard to distinguish between that first rush of chemistry and love.

Post a photo of you in the last item of clothing you bought.

I don’t actually remember the last item of clothing I bought, but this is a fairly recent purchase...

Day 18

Post 30 Facts about yourself.

1. My birthday is April 19.
2. My anniversary is January 8.
3. I met my husband when we were 14, in the library of out high school, I was there talking with the boy I had a crush on, and after he introduced us, I got a new crush.
4. My first job was as a courtesy clerk at Frys.
5. I have a Bachelors from UA, I majored in History and minored in anthropology.
6. I am a geek, I love Star Trek and Anime, comic books and video games...
7. I wish I lived on a farm or a ranch, I love animals and horses and would love to have some land between me and my nearest neighbors...
8. I have major stage fright, I love singing and acting, dancing etc. but I freeze in front of people.
9. I have anxiety and am manic depressive.
10. I have two boys who I adore.
11. I love music, it allows me to express things that i otherwise would be unable to.
12. My greatest joy in life besides my family is traveling, experiencing a new place, seeing something  that is new to my eyes, I’ll never manage to visit even a third of the places I want to experience, and would have to live hundreds of lifetimes to complete it all...
13. 13 is my favorite number,
14. Purple is my favorite color.
15. I enjoy cooking when it’s not expected of me, but my anxiety kills me when it becomes an expectation which causes me to panic over something as simple as having dinner ready...
16. I would love to have my own space, that I could do with as I see fit...
17. Sometimes, most of the time if I’m honest, I feel trapped, in life I guess, or by expectations, I’m not really sure why, but that doesn’t change the way I feel.
18. I have been blessed to have had two fathers, the first who taught me that I can have everything I want and dream of so long as I was willing to work for it, he taught me to be me, regardless of what others thought, and that I can be anything I want to be. The second taught me kindness and humility, that giving back was one of the most important things we can do for not just our family but also for the world around us, That love really is some the most important thing in the world. I don’t know anyone as lucky as me.
19. My mom is the best mom in the world, she is my best friend and I don’t know anyone as awesome as she is, nor anyone as kind and giving.
20. My greatest dream in life is to be able to live comfortably, pay my bills and do so without having to worry about money, not have to decide which bill to pay and when, to just be able to pay them when they come in and know that it will be ok.
21. I collect Funko Pop Figures, I don’t know why, but I think they are adorable.
22. I want to be able to support me kids in whatever they choose to do with their life. I don’t want them hold back or make plans based on me or anyone else’s opinion (with the exception of their SO or kids) My husband and I made to many choices based on others wants, and I resent both the choices and the people who convinced us it was the better way, when really it was just what was better for them.
23. My husband is my best friend.
24. I am hoping that in the near future I can make some money off of my pictures and/or stories to help with the bills.
25. I am going to be homeschooling my youngest next year and I am both scared and excited over it, when I homeschooled my oldest sometimes it went amazingly and other times it all seemed to fall apart, in the end it was successful, but it was not what it could have and should have been.
26. I am an introvert. I have a hard time dealing with large groups of people, especially if I don’t know or am uncomfortable around them.
27. I have found that I can do anything so long as I set my mind to it, maybe not over night, but with enough time and planning I truly believe that anyone can accomplish anything they set their minds to.
28. I love reading, I read an average of 1 book a day.
29. I have brown eyes and dark blonde hair when it’s not dyed the many colors of the rainbow.
30. I have a number of tattoos, somewhere between 9 and 13 depending on how you count them, and would like to have more.

This was harder than I thought it would be...

What was the first concert you attended?

The first concert I attended was actually Foriegner and Starship on the local military base. It was great, we danced we sang and we rode rides, because it was at a fair or at the air show, i don’t remember to well which, I was maybe 4 or 5...

Day 17

Post about your zodiac sign, and whether or not if fits you.

What is your zodiac sign, does it fit your personality?

 Well this is the first one that coincides, so I will answer once for both prompts.

I am on the cusp of Aries and Taurus, and it seems that I am where is need to be, some of both fit and some of both don’t. Which is basically how it’s supposed to be...

Day 16

Happy St Patrick’s Day!!!

Something that you miss.

I miss my dad, but I think more than that I miss the lack of responsibilities, when we are growing up we are in such a rush to be bigger, to be older, that we don’t appreciate the freedom that being a child gives us, it’s not something you ever really get back, I miss not having to worry over all the little stuff, over all the big stuff, just the freedom of it all...

Show us your handwriting.

Day 15

 Bullet-point your whole day.

- Wake up
- Potty
- Shower
- Put in Contacts
- Brush teeth
- Moisturize
- Wipe Sink
- Wake Ray
- Get dressed
- Make breakfast
- Make Rays lunch
- Dishes
- Clean counters
- Feed animals
- Pack up Rays bag
- Drive to Camp
- Drop off Ray
- Text Annette with pick up schedule
- Drive to Tucson
- Call Mommy
- Do Glass Class
- Drive to Cheesecake Factory
- Eat lunch
- Walk around Tucson Mall
- Drive to gas station
- Get Gas
- Call Mommy
- Drive to Sierra Vista
- Got to Petsmart
- Get crickets
- Drive home
- Put crickets away with food
- Drive to Walmart
- Get Mommy and Claudies dinner
- Drive to Brew Brothers
- Get Kona Ice
- Drive Home
- Change to PJs
- Eat Kona Ice
- Text Annette
- Mess around on FB
- Put on The Greatest Showman soundtrack
- Update Blog
*Predicted Future*
- Read Fanfiction
- Do dishes
- Let dogs out
- Potty
- Wash hands and face
- Brush teeth
- Wipe Sink
- Let dogs in
- Feed lizard
- Go to bed

Do you have a favorite season? What is it and why?

Autumn! I love the fall, Halloween is my favorite holiday, I love the warm days and crisp nights, the change of the leaves. I don’t really like the hot or the cold, it’s just the perfect weather, usually little to no storms, not too much wind, it’s wonderful!

Day 14

Post your favorite movies that your never get tired of watching.

I love movies, just like I love books, both of them take you to another plac for a while.  My favorite movies, the ones I can watch over and over, we have the Pirates of the Caribbean movies, Studio Ghibli movies, especially Howls Moving Castle and Castle in the Sky, the Hobbit and Lord of the Rings movies, Harry Potter and Fantastic Beasts,and I could probably add more, but I think this is a decent list...

Do you have any special talents?

Hmm, I think I am a decent photographer, and a pretty good cook, but other than that, probably not...