writing

I made a mistake, last night, late, i was ready, i could see my papers in my mind, and i could have written most of them with little to no difficulty, but i was tired, exhausted even.  it had been a really long day both physically and emotionally, so i did not write, instead i went to bed where i stared at the ceiling for hours, it had to have been hours because today i am beat, tired, i feel as though i was hit by a truck, the last few days have caught up, Shawn's death, the fact that he is gone for good, and that all that he was is lost, the fact that my husband is back on nights, and i just sleep lousy without him, as well as the fact that i have been sleeping in the babies room on the guest futon, all of it have run me down today, and all of that sureness, that knowing that i could write my papers and be done with it, and rock them, it is gone too.  now i can see that i am going to be pushing my way against the tide to get them done.  having a night of inspiration like i did last night, that is a gift, they do not come often for me, and i tossed it out the window sure that i could grab it back today.  well, i can't, it is gone, possibly for good, most likely for this semester at least.  i am dreading the paper that i was most looking forward to, i know i can write good papers, but the only time i can write great papers, wondrous papers are times like last night, i should have used it to write, if nothing else to get started on my ranching paper, i know what i want to do with it, i know how it should go, i just need that magic to get it from my head to the page.  and bless m i threw that magic away, damn

Strangeness

Hello World, let me first get off of my chest that I am in an exceptionally strange mood tomight.  I have spent far to much time in my own head, and any one who know me really well know that that is so not a thing i should be doing, especially when i have to spend so much time around all of you normal humans.  i am waiting to restart my hotel on facebook, as well as for my ipod to finish syncing something like 3000 songs.  and i have not slept well in a few weeks really.  i am listening to blink 182, and have a tendancy to completely lose my train of thought because i keep wandering around with some weird hybrid of Alexander Skarsgard and Michael in my fantasies.  Just wow.  i mean wow.  even more wow is this movie i am hoping to watch where he dresses as a girl.  i am really enjoying the facebook quizzes lately, they are addictive in that whole bored and inner questioning thing.  i keep reading about people arguing over our class reunion, which is funny, but i have found other people i knew back then because of it so that is cool.  oh did i mention the fantasies, they are nice, lots of pretty men and me, back when i liked me, well i do like me mentally but i am so talking physically at the moment.  once upon a time and in a galaxy far far away i used to be thin, people used to think i was cute, now i have no idea what they think, but if it is anything close to what i think then i so do not want to know what it is because i doubt anyone can think worse of me than i do, once again i mean physically not mentally.  oh, there is this creepy touchy feely boy in my cubpack, i have no idea what to do wioth him, but he will not leave my hair alone, i hate people touching my hair. 


wow, my mind just went blank, which is probably good, i think it overloaded.  8 more minutes for the hotel, i have no idea how many for the syncing of the ipod, that could take ages it had to update and stuff too.  oh anyone want to know one of the first times i lost faith in god, i got it back after this, though as we all know that didn't exactly last to long...anyways when i was younger as in like 2nd grade era, i used to pray to wake up with black hair and pale skin and violet eyes.  i was always a weird child, and i so did not get the whole praying thing at the time as you can tell, but after over a year of waking up and running to the mirror to find lil blond me, i figured that god was a joke.  then with what happened to my dad and me and my sis, well, i have no idea, but we all know where i stand on that so i guess i should stop while i am ahead,  am i ahead or behind, *shrugs* who knows, i don't.

so if i could figure out a way to focus all of ym awesome randomness somehwere preferrabley into coherent thougths i think i would be rich, i could write a story ot 300 and i could do movies, but i can never get what is in my head down onto paper.  that is such a hard thing to do, i do not know if i will ever be able to do it in such a way that it makes sense to anyone other than me.  soemtimes i have a hard time doing that for one of my poapers. and those should be easy, they just sorta fall otu of me.  i wish everything was so easy.  i mean not mnay people i know can write a a paper for a 400 level class in three hours.  i wish i could always do that.  while we are wisheing i wish to be thin and pretty....one day if i really work at it, yeah right like that is going to happen. 

hell i can not spell tonight, that must be because i am so tired, i Alao seem to be having issues with the whole editing thng rather than the whole not writing/typing everything that i think..FUCK>>>It is time for bed, stupid hotel still has a few more minutes, damn it, damn it, damn it.  oh i know, did i share that mommy saus i will have to leave if i say fuck around her agin, it would seem that 3 times in 3 years is three time to many. i think that is funny seeing how she worls at bars where it is always said, anyways.  i try not to say it, but sometimes it just pops out, at 27 you would think i could curse withpout my mom getting upset, but no.  the odd thing is that i could put a curse on someone and she would probably be good with that.  oh well.  hotel should be done by now and when i wake up- if i sleep my movie should be ready for my consumption. i love wierd movies with crossdressers and man love.  it will be a good day tomowrrow,  other than the whole having to wrote papers thing, but yeah that will hopefully flow as well as this has, in under 15 minutes i oresent you will this...i do not know what it is, only that it came from my head withh a lil help from spell check

i love you all, i have no idea why but i do, and i should just stop typing because if i don;t then i will never be done with this, have you ever realized how one thought can lead to another and that they have absolutely nothing in common, yet in my head they do.  nice. 

i lied, there will be no spellcheck, it is way to much of a hassle for my current mindstate.  ok i am really leaving you this time, i need to go find my vampires and have them convert me now.