It has been awhile...

Hey guys, I know I have not been on for a bit, *shrugs*  But you all know how it is, Life it can be complicated and good, or complicated and not so good.

Lately it has been a strange mixture of the two, as some of you may or may not know, I sometimes have to fight off depression, it is one of the burdens I carry, to make matters worse, it is more of the manic type the the nice easy depression.  I have wonderful mood swings, I know this, my family knows this and we work with it.  Lately no matter how much we work with it, nothing seems to be helping.  I am not happy, I am stressed and depressed, I am lost and I am questioning. 

There is so much worth living for, I know, and there is no reason for me to be this way, and yet, I am and have been for many a year.  And no, just so none of you get any strange Ideas, I am not suicidal.  Even if I were it is not an option, I believe that suicide is for selfish people, people who think only about themselves and not about others.  I am so not that person, I think if I was my life would be easier, I would not give so much of myself to others...

Have you ever wanted something so badly that it hurts, knew that you are not at the place in your life that you should be.  Hell I even know where I should be, I know what I should be doing, at least in part, and yet I have no idea how to get from here to there.

Have you ever stood somewhere and had such a sense of rightness that you knew this is where you belong, and then had to leave it, had to turn around and walk away, because no matter how right it is, there is just no way for you to be there.  It is hard, especially when you have to return to that place where you are, where you feel so out of your depth, so lost and confused.

I feel like I am wasting my life, that there is something I need to be doing and yet I cannot be doing it.  I have responsibilities, things and people I cannot just up and leave.  But damn, no matter how much I love them and no matter how much they are a part of me, there are days that I wish i could walk away, days that I know there is somewhere else I need to be somewhere else that needs me and needs me now.  the only issue is that I do not know how to bridge these things, and even if I did I do not know where the other need is, where it will lead. 

You do not, can not just wander away with others, how can I do that to my children, they are such a part of me, yet, I cannot take them with me, how do I lead them away only to find that I led them wrong.  It is all so confusing.

One main problem is that I go places and I follow my senses, I am not a stable person, if I want to go do something and I have the ability to do it, then I see no reason why I should not.  I am good at choosing what to do and then do it.  It is part of me, part of a major part of me.  It is one of the things that makes me who I am, and yet lately I have been unable to do that, I cannot go places and do things spur of the moment because it is not just me.  I think losing that ability is killing something in me, something that i cannot stand to lose. 

I don't know, there is so much I love about me.  I honestly like who I am, though I do not like how I look, but that is something I am working on.  I think it is time to get away for awhile, to go and meditate, to take some of me back for myself.  Now I just have to find the ability to do that...

Thank you, for listening, it is always good to have someone to talk to, someone who helps me think things through, even if more often than not that someone is just myself...

depression

I had completely forgotten how wonderfully debilitating depression can be.  It has been a long time since I have been depressed for more than just a few hours or a day here and there.  This is going on three days, straight, and really if I want to be honest it has been months since I have been happy for more than just a moment here or there, it is just getting worse I guess.  I wish I knew how to get out of it.  But really i just do not see that has an option.  I lived this way for years and I am not looking to go back to it... but it is like something that I cannot fix, not yet at least, but hopefully in a few months, things will be better, then I will no longer be this way, at least that is what I am hoping.  it is hard on me and on the boys, especially on the boys,  I am a grump and just want to be left alone and that is not possible.  or I want to be included and that is not gonna happen either, guess it is time to suck it up and grow up, I just am not sure I will be able to do that...

time

Why do you feel guilty for not inviting me, you shouldn't, we are not friends, we have not been friends for 15 years.  Sometimes I regret that, but mostly not, life is too short for regrets, and besides, it is not my doing, the no friends thing, I went through something that most adults do not deal with well, why is it that you think a child should have been able to, I did the best I could, and for part of the time I needed to be away from it all, so I found an escape, I am sorry you dis not approve of the escape I chose, and I do not blame you, I was not the best of friends back then, But I would appreciate it if you would stop judging the person I am now by the child I was then, if you do not want to get to know me again then don't.  But do not think that you do.  I know who my friends are, I know those that stood by me, those that helped me even when I did not want the help, and while I am sorry that you are not one of those, that is not by my choosing but yours, so please figure out how to deal with that yourself, and raining your guilt all over me, I do not need it and I do not want it...

Jobs

So I have been job hunting, which were I live is not an easy thing to do.  Unless you are exmilitary with training experience or a techie, there are no jobs around here.  So I have started looking outside of my community, to places where I will have to drive, unless i manage to find a job somewhere that my husband can transfer his job to.  It sucks, there are no jobs anywhere really...

Anyways, just thought I would share, if anyone know of a job in AZ, or around any of the areostat sites that involves a history degree but not teaching let me know, I would sure be interested in checking it out...

Ok, WOW

So yeah, I live in Arizona, and we are burning up around here lately.  People are losing there homes and possessions, they are being forced to flee multiple fires across the state, some that have only burned for days and others that are going on or over a month, some are slow moving and others are going at super speed.  They are not currently effecting me and mine, other than some hazy days around my town, but I am keeping an eye on them, what Arizonian wouldn't.  I have family that has had to evacuate, and places I go to play and relax, places that my family and I frequent are caught in the middle.  But what do I see when I go to the news sites, comments on illegal immigration, hateful posts about God, the state Governor, and those people that have or may still lose almost everything they have worked hard for.  What the HELL is wrong with people now a days.  Since when did a freaking fire have anything to do with what political party the state is.  It is stupid.  The other thing that is really annoying is that these comments are mostly being made by people who do not understand the issues.  I mean seriously, unless you have lived with illegal immigration as part of your daily life it is not something that you can think about in a non abstract way, Hell even people in Tucson and Phoenix do not fully understand what it is like to live in a small town on or close to the border where people, lots of times armed and dangerous people come through your yards and break into your homes.  How is it that someone who has never spent time living with an issue get so bent out of shape about it.  I challenge these people, the ones who want us to throw our borders wide open and let anyone and everyone through to live on the border for just one month, rent a ranch, and see how safe you and your family feel, see how much you enjoy not being able to go outside at night because your home is in the middle of the current drug route and you have a high possibility of getting shot if they see you...  I have no problem what so ever with the people who want to come over here and work and support there families.  People have been doing that for years, and for years it worked just fine, I have a problem with the drugs and gangs and criminals that come over now as well, the cartels, the things that people who do not live here just do not understand.  So really people keep your mouth shut unless you have a valid point to make, one that is based on your own experiences, not what someone else told you.  Next, why is it that God gets blamed for anything that goes wrong, that is just stupid, especially coming from someone who supposedly does not even believe in God.  I mean, if you do not believe in him then why is he is the first thing you think to blame when something does not go your way.  Hello people, use your bloody head before you open your big mouth. 

Anyways, my point in all of this was that a wildfire should not be a political soapbox, who is to blame for it, the person who set it, or let there campfire get out of control.  Not God, not the Governor, or even the President, just the stupid person who should not have played with matches in AZ.  Instead of blaming all the wrong people or using this as another way to spread the HATE, why not just send good thoughts to the people that are being affected by this whole disaster in a very real and personal sense, it certainly can't make anything worse, and gosh it may even mean that you are a good person rather than the hatemongers that you let the world see...

Issues

Why is it that men can never figure out that they should not do certain things.  oh well, whatever, who cares, right.  I have not been having a good few weeks, I have been really depressed, and spending time with my husband while not making it go away does make it feel better some, however he does not seem to care, he is freaked cause I am depressed, but seems to think that he can make it better by leaving, this is not the way to make me better.  when your job calls you on your day off you do not have to say yes everytime.  ever once in a while it would be nice to spend more than 5-6 days a month with my husband, but no...

I know that the next few weeks are going to be hectic, i get that, which is why spending a few days with us would have been a nice thing.  he does not seem to care, so fuck him, right now, just fuck him.  when i need him the most he leaves, thanks a lot hun, nice to know you care.

i am so tired of people telling me what i should feel and that what i do feel is selfish or wrong, they can all just kiss my ass.  for a while i just need to get away from it all, which is just not going to happen because we have one member of the family that is totally selfish and thinks only of themselve, then we have everyone else who just does not care.  it is frustrating.  there are days that i just hate my life, and sadly the last few weeks i have been stuck there.

thanks world, fuck you to...

Sookie...

OMG!!!

 SPOILERS AHEAD!!!

If you have not yet read Charlaine Harris's new Sookie book Dead Reckoning then do not read furthur.

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED, DO NOT BITCH TO ME IF YOU CHOOSE TO CONTINUE READING!!!

SPOILERS ARE PRESENT HERE!!!

I read the new Sookie book last week, I had it finished Tuesday, lol, it only came out Tuesday I know, but I have been waiting.  I Love Eric, he is just the most dreamy character ever written, and yes I know that I will probably sound like a fangirl and I do not care.  Anyways, I have been holding this in for a week, and I have no where else to vent, so here I am...

WHY THE HELL DID SHE BREAK THE BLOOD BOND!!!!

What is going to happen now, after the whole thing with his maker and the fairies do they not deserve a little bit of peace and quiet, from the Two Blondes story it seemed as though everything was going well, but NO, Eric is supposed to marry a queen, someone whom he does not have any wish to marry, so nope, no peace.  I mean could we have not have had just like half a book of Eric and Sookie happy together, would that have been to much to ask for, probably, I guess, it would seem so, It It ANNOYING!!!

I am just so depressed, Eric is the whole reason that I read that series, yeah sure, Sookie is ok, but Eric is my entertainment, and while Sam is a nice enough guy, he is BORING.  I know he is a shapeshifter, but he is safe, I do not want safe, if I did I would write my own story about my life, please do not get me wrong, I love my husband, he is my center, my world, but when I read I want to go to another world for awhile, I just want to visit, you know?  And Sam is like my hubby, he is a great guy, he is caring, and he is stable and always there.  But he is not ERIC!!!  I do not know what I would do if Eric was relegated to an appearance here and there, but not a major role, I would cry if he started moping around like Bill does, poor man/vamp whatever, he has become a bit pathetic, and I am sorry, but Sookie is just not that amazing.  Anita is that amazing, Sookie is not, which is probably why people can relate to her, she is normal, so she can read minds, that does not matter she is the girl next door, and we get to watch her deal with extraordinary circumstances, I love these books, but I need Eric in them, he is the clincher for me.

I hope that Charlaine Harris actually keeps them together, Eric can be ruthless, but he is what Sookie needs, and more importantly, he is what I need. 

lol, selfish I know, ok, I guess that is all for the night, rant done...

Feburary: The Month from Hell

Ok, it has been a long month, anything and everything that can go wrong has.  People have gotten sick and died, and I am hoping that now that it is basically the end of the month, 11pm here, that all of that will be over.


So stressful, and so busy.  Lawyers and doctors and committees, just a ton going on...

I was really intending to vent here tonight, but I am just too tired, so night all.

Friends

Ok, so you know how you had friends and then you realize that maybe you don't, does that make sense at all.  My 10 year High School reunion is coming up in a few months, and it has made me look back, normal I know, but in a lot of ways I am not happy with what it is that I am seeing.  Example, when I got married I invited a friend from high school and work, but when she got married I was not invited.  A whole group of my friends are going on vacation together, which I would not have been able to go to, but it would have been nice to be invited you know.  In high school I was not always the best person to be friends with, I was all over the place, I was watching my dad die before my eyes and learning how to cope with the fact that he would never remember who I was.  Not an easy thing to go thru at any age, but especially hard in the middle of puberty.  I have lost friends, a few have died, and I have gained new ones, but I had a core group of people who I thought would always accept me for who I am, and I am realizing that many of those people are not the people I thought they were.  Last year I apologized for not being a good friend in high school, not something I had to do, but something I wanted to do.  We all tearfully, on my part at least promised to get together, but of course we never have.  and now everyone is getting together, just the crowd, for this upcoming reunion, shocking to me that i was invited to be honest, but hey, most of these people see each other every few weeks anyways, so i do not see what the big deal is, for them, there are a few who live out of state, but the others get together reguarly, i don't know, i did not expect this to hurt so much, to be the outsider with people i have known in some cases 25+ years.  I guess we will see, i may not want to go afterall, and i would probably be making them happy if i didn't.

Family Reading Night Sucks!!!

Hello All,

So, in an attempt to get my oldest son more into reading, which at this point is something he considers almost a punishment, we have instated a Wednesday night family reading night.  Everyone who is in the house comes out and reads together in the living room for 2 - 2 1/2 hours.  This is not a big deal for the family, we would all most likely be reading in our separate rooms during this time anyways.  Both my mother and myself read on average of one book a day, we do this around cooking, cleaning and dealing with the kids.  Reading is part of who we are.  It is a real drag though, my son does nothing but fidget and whine the whole night away, and by the end of the night we are all wound tighter than spool of thread, it is quite annoying.  So if anyone has any ideas as to what we can do to make this more pleasurable for all concerned I would greatly appreciate hearing from you.  Reading is such an integral part of life and we desperately need some way to get my son t enjoy it and want to do it.  So thank you all in advance.

Now onto a completely different  but no less of a downer subject.  I am heading for bankruptcy, this is not something that I want to do, and my husband and I have put it off for far longer than we probably should have.  We are at a point now where it looks like it is going to be the only way out of our not good financial situation, so I also ask that if anyone has advice for us in this area please, please share.  Or if you really want to help, a gift of 25,000 to 50,000 USD would also be most welcome.  We are not 50,000 USD into the whole, but we are close, sad but true, over half of that is my student loans, which I definitely consider worth it, however since I have been unable to find a job, with or without bachelors degree I am starting to resent what was supposed to be a good investment into my future. 

Ok, I guess that is really about all that I have to say on these matters, and any others for that matter.  The kids and the husband and the parental figures are all doing great, as is my extended family and friends.  Money issues just about the whole way around, but other than that we seem to be doing great these almost three weeks into 2011, I hope all of you can say the same.  Laters all, you have my love.

Happy New Years!!

Hello everyone, it has been awhile has it not?  Alot has happened in the last 6+ weeks.  I am officially a college graduate, I now have a Bachelor's from UofA in History.  My instructor was supposed to be there, but he missed it, the ceremony I mean, but that is ok, he was busy I am sure. 

I am watching this years HGTV Dream Home, very pretty it is.  But I liked last years better.  Santa Fe/Albuquerque would have been a wonderful place to live. 

We have been asked to go to court about the money we still owe on the van that had been repoed like 4 years ago.  I do not know what they want from us, we have nothing.  But I guess we will have to wait and see.

Michael still loves his job, which is great, especially since him and school still do not get along, at all.

Well, as it is New Years it is time for some resolutions, I have only two, get rid of the unnecessary bills, going to court is step one of this one, no matter what at the end of the process that should be one large bill taken care of.  And second to lose some weight, I was doing really well before Ray, down to a 16, now I am back up, right around a 24 and that is completely unexceptional, so since I do not have school, and am trying to find a job I am going to be working out and watching what I eat much better, no more needing to eat on the go.

What are your resolutions?  I am curious.

I have not really started reading any new authors, I have just read more of the same ones, different series or stories.  As always anything you want to recommend will be most welcome. 

OK, I guess that is about it, I have been super busy, but not in a interesting sharing type way.  It will probably be a while for my next post, the computer has to go and get fixed so there will not be so much online time, I will have to learn to share better.

<3<3<3 you all