I am alive!

Hello all,

I apologize for not keeping up with this as much as I should, but it’s been a pretty awful set of months... I am not sure if I mentioned it previously but my step dad was put on hospice in January, and I had been helping to take care of him until he died in July. He lived with us, or us with him, however you want to look at it... It’s stupid, because it was such a shock when he died, even though he had been on hospice for right around 7 months, it was still such a shock, and everything since then has just gotten worse really. My stress level is astronomical, it’s ridiculous because it’s not like I didn’t know what the fallout would be, it just hit at like the worse time ever, April I would ok, and September I would have been ok, but July was right in the middle of not ok...  

I feel like I am losing a part of myself, everyone keeps telling me to hold it together, it’s just 18 months, but I am not at all sure how I am going to keep myself together for that time, I have barely managed it for the last two months. People keep asking me what’s wrong or why I am in an upset mood, well when you are watching everything you have worked for, everything you have dreamed of wandering away, how can I be carefree, how can I slide that mask on, and it is a mask, it’s part of me, but not as well worn a part as people expect. Do you know how long it has been that I have not been able to hide what I feel from people, I feel so exposed, so naked. I prefer to share with those I feel comfortable with, not think I am pulling it together only to find out that everyone can tell how completed lost I really am...

Anyways, I just needed to share some of this with someone who would let me get it all out without jumping in and telling me it’s all going to be ok, without people telling me I am overreacting to feeling like I am losing pieces of myself, or that what I feel is unimportant because I obviously don’t understand my own head and emotions. As of I would still be alive if I didn’t understand them as well as I do.  So thank you for listening..

Love to you all...